STILL pissing myself laughing

I've been waiting and waiting and getting annoyed that the group blog wasn't indexed with Google yet. I finally checked the webmaster tools today and yay, it's on Google! But so far the only search term is:

• topless whipping

Thanks, Lisa. (Pretty sure you were responsible for that term!!!)

Generation Alfalfa

I just had a (long overdue) squizz at what's going on in the land of the webmaster tools. Apparently, "generation alpha" is drawing quite a lot of people to NoAddedSalt. It's becoming difficult to know just how Google is really ranking my websites, because it is now "helpfully" remembering the websites I visit, and pushing them up the search results. A pox on dynamic results, I tells ye!


And the bagpipes are still right up there. It touches my heart.


Sadly, the neglected CrazyOdd is mostly getting visitors looking for clipart. And farmer clipart. And cow clipart. And and and... but in a beautiful save, it's also grabbing people who searched for "1wank". Nice.


And what about this blog? That same old favourite - cognitive bubble shooter. What I want to know is this: Are we talking about cognitive bubbles, or something far more sinister? Hmm?

Your Assistance Is Requested

No, no, I don't have eleventy bajillion dollars that I need to transfer out of a Nigerian bank. I have search queries I don't understand. And it's more interesting to ask you than to try and figure it out for myself.

These items have all led people to my blog, and I cannot fathom why.




(Apparently... when in doubt try a different language?)
royce chang
"2007[/url]" blogspot "post a comment"
(the above was not my mistake, someone actually searched for that)
claveles
z-ro
dailytang
dudelsack

Before I end this post I have one last thing to say.

dudelsack. BUAHAHAHAHA!

As promised

More bizarreness from the search query trackers.

Australian cow (apparently, we have these. I never knew. I've learned more about the country since I've moved abroad.)
cow's butt (well yeah. That was my next question, how about you?)
snot clipart (what the hell? Who would need this? Who would MAKE this? What does snot clipart look like? Wait, I don't want to know.)
Finland be afraid be very afraid (snort, too late, you should have warned them earlier)
nun sex
naughty librarians
naked hula (I suppose they didn't find what they wanted with "nun sex" or "naughty librarians")

And the number one search term... and I mean, this one is FAR and AWAY the most common search, and quite a lot of people are clicking through to read my blog... can you guess? I don't know about you, but I'm incredibly proud. My dream come true, the one thing I always wanted to be known for. My magnum opus.

Bagpipes.

Yes, I'm proud.

Long Time Between Drinks!

I decided to check my webmaster tools today and what do I see? Ponderous, ponderous search strings! For your viewing pleasure, I present: nuns in underpants.

I just... I... dude. Come on! Someone searched for that. Someone wanted to see that. Think about it for a second. (No, don't think about the nuns. Think about the kind of person who'd want to search for that.)

I did a bit of a search myself, to see if my guesses were correct. Well, partly. There were the expected porn versions (and I'm quite sure that not one of the so-called nuns had ever made a commitment to JC). But sadly, one of the nuns appeared to be Matt Lucas in a nun outfit. I was going to post it, but I've decided to use a different image to demonstrate what the nun kinda looked like. You'll just have to imagine him dressed as a penguin.


Here is the second strange image that I found for the same search.

I would love to be able to say that there was only one weird search string that came up. Really, I would. But the frog-cat with the martini glass has got me all flummoxed. And there are evidently a lot of crazies out there searching for weird stuff. I'm going to tell you all about them... next time.

Galleries - Weird Hotels and Beautiful Caves

The World's Weirdest Hotels

Ten Amazingly Beautiful Natural Caves

Extra Cash Ideas

Surveys

Aussies Only:
http://linkbee.com/2718 (this one has personally paid me)
http://linkbee.com/2727
http://linkbee.com/2735

Worldwide
http://linkbee.com/270L
http://linkbee.com/28BE
http://linkbee.com/28B6
http://linkbee.com/28BG (USA, Canada, United Kingdom & Australia)

Paid To Twitter programs (Worldwide)
http://linkbee.com/2753
http://linkbee.com/28AK

Other programs
If you blog or Twitter and are posting links, using those "short" link websites, you might as well get paid, so have a look.

Galleries - Interesting pictures

AWESOME sand sculpture photos from festival in the USA. http://linkbee.com/270F

The gallery title is "Strange Food" but it should have been called "Food I'm Not Touching". Truly bizarre. http://linkbee.com/04NK

Gallery of Cave Hotels around the world... now this is what I call COOL! I need a cave to live in. Caves rock. http://linkbee.com/ZY56

Very Tweety

I deleted the LoudTweet on my LiveJournal (because apparently, some people don't like reading my tweets there). Hey, I can actually understand that. It's funny how tweets are cool when you're reading a timeline, but in a journal site it... just isn't cool. I suppose while in Twitter we're used to short & sweet comments, our attention span is short but matches the size of the info.

So. I'm not going to spew them all into here using LoudTweet. It has its merits, but I think it's better suited to someone who only tweets once or twice a day. On the other hand, I tweet a lot. Like, heaps. So I'll post a handful in here that are less irritating than the others... how's that? :D

One type is the competitions. I'm backtracking a while, so I apologise if any of them are expired. From now on they should be fine.

A reason for being

Merely posting weird search results has made this blog a little difficult to populate. Essentially what I've found is that what I comment about in my search results comes up next time. And I don't REALLY want to post the same item every time ;)

Something I also do in my spare time is enter competitions. I swear, one day I'll win the car. But I digress... I *do* win things, every now and then, from stationery to lunch boxes, thumb drives to watches and t-shirts. Even small items are exciting to grab from the mailbox. So I've been Twittering the better comps so that other people can enter too. I know that reduces my chances of winning (haha!) but it's all about the looooove!

If you don't follow me already, I'm @Ruu_Elisa. Send me a Direct Message there to say hi! Or just start any tweet with @Ruu_Elisa and I'll also see it. And if you hear of a cool comp to enter online make sure you post it - and send it to me so I can retweet you!

*huge dive*

For someone who's trained in IT, I can be amazingly Luddite in attitude at times.

Ok, who am I kidding? I absolutely despise change to anything and everything that might upset, nay, even vibrate my cushy little comfort zone. I had to be dragged kicking and screaming out of Windows 98, and by the time I took the plunge, I'd already modded my software in a desperate attempt at improving the poor memory performance. I had replaced the Windows shell with Litestep (OMG! that was just SO AWESOME and sexy that I was almost able to forgive its shortcomings). In fact, my time with Litestep shell awakened me to how people could switch to Lunix AND LIKE IT. *

It took the dogged determination of my then-boyfriend to pull me out of the dark ages and into the light of Windows XP. That's right, folks, this little gamer had been playing Quake 3 on an OS that had been long left behind by her battlemates. Other LANners at Macquarie Uni had eagerly queued up for the debut sales of Windows Millennium Edition (HA! Hahaha, haha. And ha. HAHAHA! ok, I'm over it now.) In even larger numbers they grabbed hold of Windows 2000's Professional release. So there was I, languishing on an OS deemed by the gaming community to be three-times-superceded.

And even when I relented, it wasn't so much that the boyfriend convinced me. He also lived with Mr Cool Geek, who helped run the LANs, and one of the coolest dudes I've ever met. Goo rocked up to my place, shiny XP CD in hand, and it was a done deal. There's no way I could win the argument against the two of them ganged up, so I let them have their way with my little puter.

I fell in lust with XP so fast that it's odd I'd resisted so long. But here I am, doing it again, sworn not to touch that rabid Vista. Anyway, this post wasn't about Microsoft. Microsoft, a company that once made Millennium Edition. HAHAHA!

This post was about me and social networking. I hated hated hated the idea of Facebook and was NEVER joining it. I now have tons of friends on Facebook. Worse still was that freaky Twitter thing. I have no clue how you work that damned thing, it's new and faddy, it won't take off, I'm not bothering with a weird texty thing like teenagers use in class! So, did I mention that I love Twitter more than I love Facebook?

And stubbornly yet again I had absolutely no interest whatsoever in these API thingies and clients and whateveryoucallits for Twitter. I don't need to tweet from my car, from McDonalds or while on my mobile phone. There's nothing wrong with the Twitter home page, why get any other app?

Today I went searching for a tiny Twitter app to run on my desktop. I'd reasoned that if something were running down there, I'd be more likely to update it more than once a day. (The impetus for this was the fact that I am earning money from advertising on Twitter, and the less I talk the less I earn.)

First I tried a browser plugin for Firefox. I HATED IT. It was just ugly, weird and made me feel like a DOS n00b seeing a mouse for the first time. Binned. Then I found something called Klipfolio. A forum post said it had a Twitter option. WOOT! Install, ok, now I need to add the Twitter "Klip". WTF?

I need to interrupt myself here. I've never been so pleased with a new app as I am with Klipfolio. It's a collection of shortcuts ("Klips"). You can view it as a window, a toolbar, a taskbar, a sidebar, whatever you want. In that way it reminds me a bit of Litestep but brought into the 21st Century. You install your base, um, thingy, and then you choose your addons and snap them into the bar/window/toolbar. You can have it always on top, you can hide it, you can have it sit above your taskbar, etc. You can make it huge or tiny and you can just drag and drop to rearrange your Klips.

Right now I have a little CPU monitor (96%, but that's a game's fault), a currency converter telling me that the Aussie dollar is worth 54 euros, a search box for Youtube, and a widget that brings me the latest flash games. But I digress. I wanted this thingy just for the Twitter widget so I could post from the desktop.

AND THERE IS NO SUCH THING! Oh the tears. Klipfolio has a metric bajillion** Klips doing everything and more, including a Facebook "status" updater showing you what your friends are all doing, but no Twitter widget? The only one they have sends you nothing but dev updates and news from the Twitter owners.

Frown.

Tantrum. It must be here somewhere.

In the end I've compromised. I Klipped in an RSS feed for my Twitter page instead. Incidentally, this wasn't so easy. Twitter futzed with their feeds not so long ago and made them rather unfriendly to third-party applications in general. Even Google Reader can't cope with them (they require certificate authentication). So I found a free clean burner site and wedged its offering into the RSS. I now have a cool little tooltip that pops up from the clock showing new Twitter tweets in my feed. And of course I can turn it on or off, make it show more or less often. I can't directly update Twitter yet but Klipfolio say it's in the works. And if one of the tweets looks interesting I just click it, the tweet appears in Firefox, and I can hit reply.

I feel fresh and new. Invigorated and very proud of my achievement.

I think this must have been how Hillary felt on reaching the peak of Mt Everest.

Or how Bill Gates felt when Microsoft released Windows ME.***

Hahahaha!

* Lunix is not a typeoh.
** Bajillion is a technically scientific number.
*** ROTFLcopter.

BEGIN rant

I love JavaScript. Don't get me wrong, I do think it's incredibly versatile and creative.

But I CANNOT STAND its overuse. This is my one and only bugbear with Gmail, which is otherwise absolutely awesome. However, this rant isn't about Gmail.

It's about WordPress. How can any of you stand it? I'm about to smack my monitor into kingdom come. I had wondered for ages what it was like (since so many bloggers use it) but I'd never been quite game enough to use it here and upset the status quo. I'm so very glad I never did. It's evil.

I'm now a contributor on another blog and the administrator uses WordPress... and ugh. It hangs my browser non-stop while executing who-knows-what scripts doing goodness-knows-what. Sheesh, ALL I WANTED TO DO was paste some HTML to embed a video. But nooooooo. That's too hard. This has turned my ten minute article into nearly an hour. And still, it looks like I will be unable to grace the article with the fair Lee Lin Chin's news report.

Rant finished. I now return you to your regularly-scheduled program. Carry on and feel free to use JavaScript to your hearts' content.

In which I extol the virtues of bubble shooting

As predicted, there are a lot of variations of Bubble Shooter in the search tracking. But in a new development there's now "dead whale bubble shooting". Uh, nice.

And someone's looking for "insect bite vacuum eBay". Is there actually such a product? In the words of Sean Connery, I'll buy a dozen.*

There are a fair few Bingo Marker searchers landing here. Welcome! We'll pretend for a moment that you meant to arrive! Same with the people who were after the motorbike and stonehenge cakes, and the mayor who scaled the ladder to rescue the sunbathing dog.

My proudest moment for today is being the top result for "my crazy dance salta nallen". Even if just for a moment. Even if I have no clue what it's about, it doesn't matter. It's all about the glory.

* on SNL, of course.

Alright Team!

Here we go!

Today's episode is a story all about me. You'll have to excuse the odd grammatical snafu - searchers CLEARLY pay no attention to my story-writing needs. (Clears throat.) Let's begin.

Pleased to meet you - my name is Mark Nolan.

Evidently, today I must be wearing odd panties. I think those are the kind where one leg-hole doesn't match the other. They're also known as Sims 2 panties. Well, nobody ever accused me of being a fashion tragic, since I'm actually a Romanian truck driver dancing.

My job involves nude pics of Coles Supermarket, Dubbo. Quite often, after work, I'm known to wanking wrap it in tissue no mess.

In my spare time I pretend to be a disabled lady given a mermaid tail. Or if it's a slow day, I often switch to happy religion, and footprints are carved into the floorboards by monk who has prayed at the same spot for 20 years. (Editor's note: This one wins the "longest search string" award for the week.)

Before I go, I must tell you one last snippet about myself. My proudest achievement for the year so far: I am presently the #1 Google result for "gargantuan lactating whale". Now I'll be able to sleep at night.

Persistence

Just for a taste of something different, I'm going to blog about the things people searched for that led them to my blogs. I had a look at the results for this blog (weird search) and there's nothing new. Boo! But I think Google felt sorry for me because the search results for the other two made up for my disappointment. Among them - "38KKK nipples".

Pardon?

I am ONE HUNDRED PERCENT sure I have never blogged about 38KKK nipples before. In fact, I would have thought it was BUST size, not nipple size, but I digress. Why are people searching for this? They should just enter the search string that would get them results, and that is "gargantuan lactating whale". (I apologise in advance to anyone who actually *is* a size 38KKK nipple since I apparently just called you a gargantuan lactating whale, and you might not actually be breastfeeding. Sorry.)

Additionally this week we have "eggs south pole". Um, sure, I suppose if you are an Antarctic researcher then you occasionally have a yearning for sunny-side-up, and Google is always handy for finding out which nearby shops on Antarctica stock locally-sourced free range.

Someone is searching for "priest panties training bra". Someone else wants "horrific burns groin petrol station" which presumably relates to a recent news story, but do they expect pictures? Seriously? I know that if it were me watching someone with their nether regions on fire, the first thing I would do is grab my trusty Box Brownie and snap away.

Now, putting aside someone looking for "presidential pardons", there are five different combinations looking for Susanka Bersin, including naked, nude, and fake. She's a popular lass. Sorry guys, no naked Susanka Bersin here. I did post about her boob grope and the resulting slap, but she was well and truly clothed.

All of these so far were for Crazy Odd, but looking at No Added Salt was also interesting, for a very different reason. First, we have a new entry: "Jay Leno poopy butt". I'm sorry Jay. I truly am.

And then we have a bunch that seem to be from someone, ahem, "resourceful". I have to list these. I just can't do them justice by describing them one by one.

• cognitive bubble shooter
• one mans blog bubble shooter
• bubble shooter salt
• bubble shooter cognitive
• bubble shooter game one mans blog
• bubble shooter one mans blog
• bubble shooter
• salt bubble shooter
• cognitive games bubble shooter
• one mans blog bubbleshooter
• bubbleshootergame one mans blog
• bubble shooter cognitive games
• bubble shooter "game one" mans blog

That, kids, is called "persistence".

The sad part is that now, if this person tries to search again, my blog is going to come up EVERY SINGLE TIME. Hell is Weird Search Blog.